Retirement Party

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

Question:

I don’t know if you already know this. Funny. HOW TO SING THE BLUES 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: "Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. 6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. 9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses 11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you’re older than dirt b. you’re blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can’t be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund. 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling 17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") 20. I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don’t care. Credits goes to Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

Response:

Broke ma dick this mornin’ Up some fools ass He done got snakey own me So I packed his gas An these are his blues Oh lawd, that bitch he got the blues Gomer thought he was slick Now he run ‘roun wif half my dick Up hiz azz Ya I bent ma hog this mornin’ Up some fools ass He up an’went nasty own me So I packed his gas An these are his blues Oh lawd, that bitch he got the blues Gomer thought he was slick Now he run ‘roun wif half my dick Up hiz azz – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > HOW TO SING THE BLUES > 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning." > 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you > stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with > the meanest face in town." > 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. > Then find something that rhymes … sort of: "Got a good woman – with > the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she > weigh 500 pound." > 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a > ditch; ain’t no way out. > 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t > travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues > transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft > an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ > plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. > 6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults > sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get > the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. > 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place > in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. > Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the > Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain. > 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male > pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. > Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. > 9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The > lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the > dumpster. > 10. Good places for the Blues: > a. highway > b. jailhouse > c. empty bed > d. bottom of a whiskey glass > Bad places: > a. Ashrams > b. gallery openings > c. Ivy League institutions > d. golf courses > 11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you > happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. > 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: > a. you’re older than dirt > b. you’re blind > c. you shot a man in Memphis > d. you can’t be satisfied > No, if: > a. you have all your teeth > b. you were once blind but now can see > c. the man in Memphis lived. > d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund. > 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger > Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also > got a leg up on the blues. > 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. > Other acceptable Blues beverages are: > a. wine > b. whiskey or bourbon > c. muddy water > d. black coffee > The following are NOT Blues beverages: > a. mixed drinks > b. kosher wine > c. Snapple > d. sparkling water > 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues > death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to > die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a > broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a > tennis match or getting liposuction. > 16. Some Blues names for women: > a. Sadie > b. Big Mama > c. Bessie > d. Fat River Dumpling > 17. Some Blues names for men: > a. Joe > b. Willie > c. Little Willie > d. Big Willie > 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t > sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. > 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): > a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) > b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) > c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) > For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. > (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") > 20. I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot > sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, > or get out a shotgun. I don’t care. > Credits goes to Lame Mango Washington > (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, > revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

Response:

I’ve seen at least parts of this.  I don’t think I saw a version that’s this extended.  I remember the part about how to make you own Blues name. Stateboro Blues (Allman Brothers version) comes instantly to my mind when reading the part about the essential elements of a Blues song. I need to get me a CD copy of their Lp "At Fillmore East".  Great stuff by them on that Lp, and Dwayne’s sound and his playing were just amazing.  Their cover of "One Way Out" on there is a classic. It’d almost be worth being in a band just to play some of those songs. Pete – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I don’t know if you already know this. >Funny. >HOW TO SING THE BLUES >1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning." >2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you >stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with >the meanest face in town." >3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. >Then find something that rhymes … sort of: "Got a good woman – with >the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she >weigh 500 pound." >4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a >ditch; ain’t no way out. >5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t >travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues >transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft >an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ >plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. >6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults >sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get >the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. >7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place >in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. >Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the >Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain. >8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male >pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. >Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. >9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The >lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the >dumpster. >10. Good places for the Blues: >a. highway >b. jailhouse >c. empty bed >d. bottom of a whiskey glass >Bad places: >a. Ashrams >b. gallery openings >c. Ivy League institutions >d. golf courses >11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you >happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. >12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: >a. you’re older than dirt >b. you’re blind >c. you shot a man in Memphis >d. you can’t be satisfied >No, if: >a. you have all your teeth >b. you were once blind but now can see >c. the man in Memphis lived. >d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund. >13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger >Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also >got a leg up on the blues. >14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. >Other acceptable Blues beverages are: >a. wine >b. whiskey or bourbon >c. muddy water >d. black coffee >The following are NOT Blues beverages: >a. mixed drinks >b. kosher wine >c. Snapple >d. sparkling water >15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues >death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to >die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a >broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a >tennis match or getting liposuction. >16. Some Blues names for women: >a. Sadie >b. Big Mama >c. Bessie >d. Fat River Dumpling >17. Some Blues names for men: >a. Joe >b. Willie >c. Little Willie >d. Big Willie >18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t >sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. >19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): >a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) >b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) >c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) >For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. >(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") >20. I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot >sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, >or get out a shotgun. I don’t care. >Credits goes to Lame Mango Washington >(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, >revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

– That man was a successful encyclopaedia salesman.  –Head of Careers Advisory Board

Response:

I still have my "Live at Fillmore" — 8Track .. frozen in time, likely on Whipping Post between tracks 2 and 3 … Dickie Betts on Stormy Monday rates up there in top 5 or 7 all times greatest guitar solos … along with Jessica, Watchtower by Jimi. I have a Best Of ABB CD in the truck .. never too far away for when the radio dwells to boring .

Response:

>I still have my "Live at Fillmore" — 8Track .. frozen in time, >likely on Whipping Post between tracks 2 and 3 … >Dickie Betts on Stormy Monday rates up there >in top 5 or 7 all times greatest guitar solos … along >with Jessica, Watchtower by Jimi.

I never followed the band closely enough to know which ABB Lp is which.  In fact, I even had to go to the B&N website to find out that "At Fillmore East" is the name of the one I have on vinyl, that actually belongs to…  the missing drummer >I have a Best Of ABB CD in the truck .. never too far >away for when the radio dwells to boring .

All I have is a copy of a copy of an ABB CD that someone gave me. It’s recent enough to have Derek Trucks on slide.  I can’t remember what it’s called.  One of my favorite tracks on it is them covering the Stones’ "Heart of Stone". But I do need to buy some of their albums on CD.   That "At Fillmore East" is one I want.  I don’t know much about the rest.  I mostly want to get albums where Dwayne was still around. Pete — That man was a successful encyclopaedia salesman.  –Head of Careers Advisory Board

Response:

First time I read this.   It’s great, but I just realize I can’t sing the blues.  Wish I would have know this a few months ago before I started my blues lessons.  I bet someone can some up with a funnier one about How to Sing Rock and Roll. >11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you >      happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

Reminds me of an old Chucky Berry interview where he claims that he invented the duck walk to hide some wrinkles in his suit.  But I guess he doesn’t sing the blues anyways.

Response:

> First time I read this.   It’s great, but I just realize I can’t sing > the blues.  Wish I would have know this a few months ago before I > started my blues lessons.  I bet someone can some up with a funnier one > about How to Sing Rock and Roll. >11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you >     happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. > Reminds me of an old Chucky Berry interview where he claims that he > invented the duck walk to hide some wrinkles in his suit.  But I guess > he doesn’t sing the blues anyways.

And your typing doesn’t rock. Stay lurked.

Response:

>First time I read this.   It’s great, but I just realize I can’t sing >the blues.  Wish I would have know this a few months ago before I >started my blues lessons.  I bet someone can some up with a funnier one >about How to Sing Rock and Roll. >11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you >      happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. >Reminds me of an old Chucky Berry interview where he claims that he >invented the duck walk to hide some wrinkles in his suit.  But I guess >he doesn’t sing the blues anyways.

Word is that they sent him back to Memphis because he was too Country. Pete — That man was a successful encyclopaedia salesman.  –Head of Careers Advisory Board

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > All I have is a copy of a copy of an ABB CD that someone gave me. It’s > recent enough to have Derek Trucks on slide.  I can’t remember what > it’s called.  One of my favorite tracks on it is them covering the > Stones’ "Heart of Stone". > But I do need to buy some of their albums on CD.   > That "At Fillmore East" is one I want.  I don’t know much about the > rest.  I mostly want to get albums where Dwayne was still around. > Pete > — > That man was a successful encyclopaedia salesman. >  –Head of Careers Advisory Board

But mostly Petemeat, _you_ should play and post it as a link instead of perma-playing lame-O rabbit farter at others in AGA. That filthy fat frog up in Denver sure provided you, Stalky, TD, PMG, DGD, Lupi, O’Turd, & Dougy Trustifarian with a badddddddddd influence MVM http://www.geocities.com/mvm55555 Mark Huber (King Kock) converted a .cda (from CD’s I sent him) to one .mp3 and uplinked this for me, which was good of him. I can’t be bothered to purchase whatever conversion app he used, but I’ve got dozens of tunes far better than this one. Plink on and try to man-up like an independent thinker. FoxNews Alert. .

Response:

 > Claudio quoted: … > 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male > pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. > Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

… This is soooo not true.  It depends on what happens because of the baldness.  If yo baby done lef you cuz of it, or the poleese done bust you coz you look just like some bald guy what shot a man in Memphis, you got the blues.

Response:

… > Stateboro Blues (Allman Brothers version) comes instantly to my mind > when reading the part about the essential elements of a Blues song.

Whipping Post and One Way Out jump to my mind, and maybe Black Hearted Woman, with Statesboro Blues coming in fourth.

Response:

>… > Stateboro Blues (Allman Brothers version) comes instantly to my mind > when reading the part about the essential elements of a Blues song. >Whipping Post and One Way Out jump to my mind, >and maybe Black Hearted Woman, with Statesboro >Blues coming in fourth.

I love Whipping Post!  That’s definitely a great Allman Brothers tune. Somewhere I have Zappa doing a cover of Whipping Post.  Nothing demented (that I noticed) but it was probably a nod to the Allman Brother’s great arrangement. Hey Miles, your being a Mountain fan and all, this is what you need instead of a Strat!: http://lasttelecaster.home.comcast.net/Dillion/Dillion58JrFront.jpg http://lasttelecaster.home.comcast.net/Dillion/Dillion58JrBack.jpg Oh wait…..   this isn’t the Fender thread.  Never mind. Pete — That man was a successful encyclopaedia salesman.  –Head of Careers Advisory Board

Response:

Filed under: Retirement Plan